Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
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Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.