NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
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8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.