Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
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If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
“TGIM!” – My liver
Zack Greinke stories are the best
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Body by cheese-puffs.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back