Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
You Might Also Like
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.