When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.