I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
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I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Ape together strong
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE