Cutest fight ever.. 😊
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A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Okey dokey.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
crochet youtube is brutal
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic