I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
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“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf