how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
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The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!