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Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
yeah not falling for this one
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help