Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
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Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I needed a laugh this morning.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
The USS B port
Art by Pastelkatto
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )