Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
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[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Thank you corporation very cool
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.