accurate
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Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.