It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
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Pandas 🐼🖤
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop