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Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings