“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
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BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.