Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
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Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
The dark side of Canada
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.