“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
You Might Also Like
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Godspeed, John Glenn
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I just ran a .003048K
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out