My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
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I think long & hard before using innuendo.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.