Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
You Might Also Like
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk