*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
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Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
All is fair in drunk and war.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.