Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
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I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
“i miss shittin on people”
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*