2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
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BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
i will not be silenced
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.