If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
You Might Also Like
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
canât believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
What I thought Iâd want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Flowers for Valentineâs Day are coolâŚbut what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Now that Iâm in charge of Santaâs milk and cookies, itâs payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god đ
Just googled âinsanityâ over and over but was expecting different results.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I canât stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? Itâs a yes from me, pal.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
me and the Superbowl rn
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: âŚwhy didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ahâŚi wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: Itâs 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. Iâm not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now itâs 3:75