just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
You Might Also Like
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.