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them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
#CatsOnTwitter
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses