Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.