EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb