Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
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hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.