Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
You Might Also Like
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.