It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
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Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee