Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
You Might Also Like
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.