Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
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waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”