They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
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Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The Compass
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.