ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
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When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.