Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
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Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans