me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
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i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU