carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
You Might Also Like
That lamp looks PISSED.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
No way!
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim