One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
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Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Smells like a challenge to me
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*