@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra