From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
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Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.