The 6 types of sex
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[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
The point of your 20s
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
getting corrected
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.