Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
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Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.