Check your privilege
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Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Not all heroes wear capes.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.