Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
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*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict