The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
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when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-