[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
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Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.