Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
You Might Also Like
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
notice
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
oh you wanna fight?!
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves