Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
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What personal space?
My dog
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
bought wrong eggs
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”