If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
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ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”